if you are feeling charitable there are number of things i desire that are not found in uganda. i would greatly appreciate if some of the following items were sent to me on a fairly regular basis- no package is too small (but remember, the size and frequency of packages determines how much you love me- and quite possibly will play a major role in whether you end up in heaven or hell).
if it makes you feel better, you can pretend that i’m planning on giving everything to little starving hiv orphans (i’m not- but then again, neither are most organizations who take your money claiming they are supporting starving hiv babies).
– taco bell sauce packets (hot and fire preferably- ugh, i would kill for a grilled stuffed burrito right now).
– taco seasoning (i miss it so very terribly).
– spicy brown mustard packets (much like trix, yellow mustard is for kids, silly rabbit).
– relish packets (egg salad isn’t the same without it).
– gobstoppers & nerds (wonka magic).
– skittles (i miss tasting the rainbow).
– jelly bellies of the sour variety (mmmm).
– life savers (both fruity and spearminty- these i might actually share with little black childen so send the individually wrapped ones).
– gummy worms!!!!!!
– reese’s pieces (you could also throw in a copy of e.t. if you’re feeling particularly generous).
– mac & cheese packets (please don’t send noodles- white cheddar and three-cheese would be awesome).
– parmesan cheese (or any other cheeses that won’t require refrigeration during travel).
-brownie mix (take it out of the box, duh. it’ll just weigh the package down. although, i guess you’ll be paying for shipping, so do what you please).
– ziplock bags (seriously. i want them so badly. also, you can put all of the items you’re sending, especially the liquid-esque items, in the bags).
– nikon d5000 (okay, if you send this, you have too much money and/or you might be insane- unless you birthed me, in which case, it’s your duty. my bag was stolen on the flight here, thus leaving me without my most valued possession. i loved it almost as much as i love cheese- which is a lot).
– an american flag bandana (i’m waiting, savannah).
– flash drives filled with good music (i’m kind of hipster -barf-, so i’m into all that folk/rock/indie/blah, blah, blah… but i really like and appreciate all kinds of music. please note: aside from johnny cash and loretta lynn, and a few other exceptions, country western is not considered good music).
– a surprise (just make sure it’s good. you don’t want to disappoint me/the hiv orphans do you?).
– letters/pictures (i guess it would be good to hear about what’s going on in your lives- especially since you’re sending me stuff. however, do not simply send a letter and pictures alone. there should at least be some candy and taco bell sauce included. i don’t want to waste a walk to the post office only to find some lame words written on a piece of paper and pictures of your ugly face).
i don’t want:
– chocolate (it might melt, and i’m not a woman. reese’s pieces is obviously an exception to this rule).
– hand sanitizer (again, i’m not a woman).
– toiletries (i can get almost everything i need here).
– paper copies of books (they will weigh down the package and take up space that could be used for taco bell sauce and candy).
– clothes (unless you want to send me some sweet western pearl-snap shirts from st. vinnys).
what you get:
– the satisfaction of knowing that you are making a difference in the world (remember those hiv orphans? taco bell sauce is almost as good as getting your parents back or being adopted).
– public acknowledgement of your gift (so send something good so you don’t look cheap).
-a skype date and/or international phone call from me (if your package is really good, i’ll even do the skype date shirtless upon request).
Father Andrew Orland Rowan, Peace Corps
c/o Nyakatsiro Health Centre
P.O. Box 96
(you can also use reverend or saint in place of “father” if you’re feeling particularly ridiculous- apparently packages are less likely to be tampered with/disappear if it is being sent to a religious leader. it’s not a typo, there are no zip codes in uganda. boxes tend to take longer, whereas padded envelopes tend to arrive more quickly. let me know when you send a package so i can keep an eye out for it. put value of items at less than $20 and list contents as something along the lines of “religious” or “educational” materials- because, honestly, who wants to steal some religious stuff going to a priest. unless they have started putting bible verses on taco bell sauce packets, please don’t send me actual religious materials- i already have a bible with me, so i’m covered).