flagrantly stalking zee germans, in the most egregious manner possible.

so i love white people.  i’m not a neo-nazi or anything like that.  i love people of all colors (and hate many people of all colors), but there is a shortage of pale-faces here in uganda, so when i see one, i get kind of excited.  and by excited, i mean i turn into what the common man might refer to as creepy/stalkeresque (but who cares. the common man is kind of a loser anyway.  i’m pretty sure his favorite band is nickelback).  since i’m stationed outside uganda’s capital city, kampala, the number of pale-faced-whities is especially low.  outside of the numerous peace corps volunteers in my area, it’s pretty much an exclusively dark chocolate party. when i first arrived in bushenyi, i heard rumors a german who can be best described as a promiscuous berlinian fascist, but aside from random slutty euro-trash hookers heading through town on safari, it wasn’t until recently that i discovered that the is indeed a german presence here.

nick and i, as part of our world malaria day event planning (stuff we do when we’re pretending to be awesome volunteers), took a meeting at the local branch of the red cross.  it was that fateful day that we met max (aka maximus), the german dude (we couldn’t remember his name after this initial meeting, so we referred to him as “wolfgang.”  i wanted “adolf”, but nick found that to be egregiously flagrant).  days passed before we made contact with these germans again.

may 4th was the next time i had an interaction with one of the nazis germans.  this time it was a girl wearing a red cross vest on her way to do some community work. turns out that there is more pale faces than just wolfgang working at red cross (well, it’s just the two of them, but the plurality makes it seem more extreme).  i bid tabea farewell as she went to do her work.  that night i discussed the newly found german with nick and bailey (for the record, this brings the total number of krauts to 3 known in the area).

one of my favorite holidays ever is cinco de mayo (this is a lie).  so this year the peace corps bushenyi crew (also known as a tlc, is comprised of nick, bailey & myself) decided that we needed to do it big.  a party isn’t really a party without more than 3 people (although our regular weekend parties usually does just consist of the three of us, since we have been blacklisted from all other volunteers, joseph mccarthy style.).  my “landlord” was gracious enough to be our chauffer (or whatever the mexican word is for “driver”) since peace corps strictly forbids us from operating motorized vehicles.  after picking up some of the necessary supplies needed to throw a fiesta (i.e. takeaway beans because we’re too lazy to actually cook the beans ourselves), we decided that we needed to find the germans to make it an authentic cinco de mayo (nothing says mexican holiday like the poster children of the third reich). unfortunately we didn’t have contact numbers (or really even known their names), but we did have an idea of where in town they lived.

“there is something pernicious in the air today, holmes.”

sadly there aren’t signs that say “whites live here” posted on any of the houses in bushenyi (which is probably a good thing because it might lead to some unwanted visits from robbers).  so we did some detective work (nick was robert downey, jr, i, being the prettier of the gents, was jude law.  i guess bailey is rachel adams, but she waited in the car, so she doesn’t really count) by asking local children “baazungu, baatura nkahi?” (the white people live where?). after a few very amused and confused conversations, we found ourselves at the gate of the compound where we were led to believe the white-faces lived.  of course, there were 6 houses in the compound, and again there was no “whites here” sign.  so nick and i casually strolled through the compound pretending we were looking for louise, the director of the red cross branch in bushenyi.  after peering through multiple windows and scaring a few ugandan children we finally heard a colonel klink call out to us and ask us if we wanted to come in.  we then stumbled, in a completely coherent manner, through our lie about looking for louise and then invited them to join us that afternoon for some mexican food.  when we stumbled back to the car, we told bailey that based on our performance we doubted that they’d be joining us, let alone ever talk to us again.

tlc celebrates cinco de mayo in typical “cholo” fashion (also, they are a little dyslexic).

luckily we either weren’t as creepy as we thought, or max and tabea have high tolerance for creepiness (they have since been exposed to ms. griffin smith, so they definitely have a high tolerance for dealing with jack-ass americans).  overall the day was a success, complete with excellent food and a piñata named hector (and i only made one holocaust joke and one reference to us kicking german ass in ww2). additionally we had some pretty awesome, not-at-all-racist costumes (as seen above) and mexican names (bailey was juanita, nick was pablo escobar, max was alejandro, and i was rodriquez.  i can’t remember if we gave tabea a name, but i’d like to think that it was selena).

hopefully this won’t be the last time they grace us with their presence.  i’m thinking that a movie night might be fun (inglorious basterds and munich are at the top of the list, but bailey’s pulling for schindler’s list.  perhaps we’ll have to settle on something a little more light, such as sherlock holmes).


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