do cocaine (or grow a penis and move to uganda).

there is a world-wide obsession with losing weight.  instead of exercising or eating healthy, most people decide to take drastic measures to look like the coke (as in the illegal but fun white powder, not the second best brand of cola) whore models who seem to embody the “ideal woman” (for the record ladies, kate moss is no-way representative of what most men want- at least not men who are worth your time).  i have never really been a part of the weight-loss mania, most likely because i have always looked like i do a lot of meth (fortunately i don’t, as evidenced by my perfect teeth).  during the 2010-11 school year i started to develop something closely resembling the beginnings of the so-called “beer belly” (in my case i think a more accurate title would be the “lazy/cheese/new glarus belly”).  for the first time, my brother, chocolate bear, (who is now super-athletic and built in the way that pleases women) was able to retaliate at me for all those “love handles” comments i used to torture him back when he was a chunky little boy.

i worship the moon man, and he made me fat.

when i first arrived in uganda, i was determined to start an exercise routine.  however, due to my aching knee and general laziness that idea hasn’t happened (i am still toying with the idea of training for the mtn marathon which is held every november in kampala).  fortunately for me, the only pre-requisite for losing weight in uganda is to have a penis.   i’m unsure if this is a general rule for this geographic location, or if it is just for the americans who spend a somehow significant period of time here.  early on in training, we were told that the dudes generally tend to lose weight (the exact wording might have been something along the lines of: “they all start to look emaciated.”) and the ladies tend to gain weight.  i relished the thought of this since i’ve found it to be quite enjoyable making fun of girls who are obsessing over their weight (especially because a majority of the girls freaking out about their weight and other body issues are beautiful and really don’t need to worry about it).

well, turns out that the whole “dudes losing weight” thing is definitely not a myth (and unfortunately neither is the chicks gaining weight; sorry, ladies).  i, as you can’t see below, have lost a significant amount of weight.  i unfortunately don’t have any “before” pictures, because i rarely took shirtless photos back when i was temporarily fat.   as of christmas, i am down to just below 140 lbs (i haven’t weighed this low since 8th grade) from about 170-175lbs.  (somewhere, oprah is booking a sex-change operation and ticket to uganda).

"i'm so glad my fluctuating weight has kept me relevant."- kirstie alley.

how was this amazing (and slightly scary) kind of weight loss possible?  i didn’t eat subway (screw you jared, we all know you have aid(e)s).  i didn’t do p90x (well, i did for about 2 weeks before i decided that i’d rather look like chris farley than let tony horton demean me).  i did start eating a little bit healthier (and a lot less tastier) meals since i’ve arrived.  i don’t have a car here, so i end up walking a lot more than i did back in the states.  the diet and slight uptick in exercise can account for some of the weight i’ve lost, but the biggest reason behind this miracle weight loss is jenny craig (kidding of course, but if they are willing to pay me some kirstie alley-money, i’m willing to parade around in a bathing suit and declare it).

actually it’s the continued pee-butt and mysterious illness that is probably to blame.  while i’m still slightly freaked out by the fact they still haven’t figured out what it is that seems to be destroying me (“it sounds like schisto, hiv, or depression”- unnamed peace corps medical professional), i am glad that its helping me get into shape (especially because it doesn’t require me watching what i eat or being physically active whatsoever).  i would like to have them figure out what it is though soon, before i waste away into something more kate moss-like (marky mark –except “entourage”, boogie nights, & the fighter– really isn’t my style, and i’m afraid that a female version of him might be my only option if i continue to waste away into nothing.  on the plus side, i’d probably look great modeling calvin klein).

"remember when i was just marky mark?" yes.


4 thoughts on “do cocaine (or grow a penis and move to uganda).

  1. So… you could have HIV? I’m pretty sure there’s a test for that, random Peace Corps medical professional…

    Anyway, Andrew, I’m glad that you are losing weight but hoping you’re able to figure it out soon enough that you don’t die. That would suck.

  2. I totally agree with your weight loss/ weight gain theory. Except it isn’t happening to me yet. Maybe it’s cuz I have no chapati to eat here… Perhaps you have schisto. Or a tapeworm…

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